I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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