She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
