You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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