You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
