I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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