Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
