i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
tequila makes me forget i have legs
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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