She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
