Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
