my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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