i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
