My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
