i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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