I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize