id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
