I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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