True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
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Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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