I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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