I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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