My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
