My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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