Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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