i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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