Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
