I think my fart just growled at me.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
