He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
