you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
