clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week đ
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He sang the chorus to âInside of youâ by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldnât even be mad, that probably took talent
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