Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
