Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
