a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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