I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
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I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
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Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.