I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?