Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy