I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."