stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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