Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
