he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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