Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This beer is not sobering me up at all
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize