I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My dick has a subreddit
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
