You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
