i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
