I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
