i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
