you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Drunk is a universal language darling
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