I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
