Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
