How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
