He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
