I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
