i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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