so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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