quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
