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• (231): View more from Michigan

  I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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• (407): View more from Florida

  At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?

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• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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• (315): View more from New York

  That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.

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• (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant

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• (828): View more from North Carolina

  Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?

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• (551): View more from New Jersey

  and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge

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• (516): View more from New York

  I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara

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