I wish my penis had an off switch
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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