shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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