He told me they were just razor bumps!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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