um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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