i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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