yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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