I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
