he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
try to milk me bitch
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