Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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